Day 17 NaPoWriMo: Nocturne



A couple walks by with a small dog, a young man with a baby,

She mumbles and turns away from me,

“Your whole life goes so fast,

You blink and it’s all past.”

I wish I had some reassuring words but none suffice,

I wish I could free her from grief’s vice.


Her Spirit

Was I supposed to know that the last time I ever saw her, would be the last time I ever saw her?

Would I have done anything differently? I hugged her, like so many other times, I let go, like so many other times.

How can you hold onto a cloud? 

Does the cloud ever really go away?

Many would say it transforms.

Transforms into what? I have no idea, but while matter can, energy can’t be created or destroyed.

So, where is she? 



Author: Paul McCartney

Title: Her Spirit

(Written after Paul lost his wife, Linda)

Her spirit moves wind chimes
When the air is still
And fills the room
With fragrance of lily

Her eyes blue green
Still seem
Perfectly happy
With nothing

Her spirit sets
The water pipes a-humming
Fat lektronic forces be with ya sound

Her spirit talks to me
Through animals
Beautiful creatures
Lay with me

Bird that calls my name
Insist that she is here
And nothing
Left to fear

Bright white squirrel
Foot of tree
Faces me
With innocent gaze

Her spirit talks to me

What I’m reading/watching/playing/listening to



“God is Disappointed in You” Mark Russell

“Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” Chelsea Handler

“The Soul of It All” Michael Bolton

“The Counselors: Conversations with 18 Courageous Women Who Have Changed the World” Elizabeth Vrato

“The Five Things We Cannot Change…and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them” David Richo


Bojack Horseman & Jane the Virgin

Listening to:


Self Study on Aromatherapy (Essential Oils) the right brain version has a binder, the left brain version can be found here:

What are you reading? Watching? Playing and/or Listening to? In what ways is it enriching or draining you?

Grace, Light and Peace,

Wherever your paths do take you,

Songbird Sparkle: April

Are You Thinking of Having Kids?

Are you thinking of having kids? Well, take a number, our preoccupation with childbearing and rearing is as old as breathing. Then again, it is also as old as eating, defecating, singing, crying, laughing.

I  have chosen the road becoming more often travelled, a life without biological children. If you are inside what I refer to as the bottleneck, hold on, it gets easier.

Let me preface this with saying that this blog entry is for those who are contemplating child-freedom (not having biological children) and those who love and support the right to choose a life they love regardless of whether or not that life includes bio kids. I don’t condone trolling about particular life choices and  I don’t claim to have a superior stance to those who have chosen differently than me, all I can do is speak my truth. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

Don’t waste either of our time trying to police me or sway my beliefs.

For those in the bottleneck, please seek counselors, seek love. I should explain that I call it the bottleneck because it feels like a bottleneck, a noose even some days.

Let me explain. So, you’ve been with your partner or significant other for a considerable amount of time, at first, you can shrug off the questions about when are you going to have kids. If you’re like me, most of the time, those questions were always presumed with a when, not if. At first, you shrug it off, but then it seems like the whole of your life is funneled around this juncture,  jammed like a production line of too fast moving chocolates a la “I Love Lucy”:


Will you have kids? Won’t you? Why or why not? You research, you ponder, it makes you sick just trying to keep up with the flurry of data and feelings. It’s excruciating and no one you talk to seems to understand it. You don’t even fully know how to understand and/or articulate it.  Welcome friend, to the bottleneck.

First of all, take a deep breath in and exhale slowly.

Ah, isn’t that nice?

Me: Alright, let’s get to the meat of why you’re still reading and that is:

You: How can I find peace amidst this internal and sometimes external $*** storm?!?!

Me: What helped me the most in this journey was to really seek to discern, is this an internal pull or an external push? There is a huge difference. For me, I felt both but ultimately, the push outweighed the pull. Everyone is different. There are no right or wrongs here and if you feel differently, you are a-okay, if you feel similarly, you are a-okay.

Don’t like cookie dough ice cream? It’s fine! Don’t want to do calculus? Okay! Don’t want to learn to play the sax? Cool! Guess what? Biology isn’t destiny, just because you have all the ingredients to make a cake doesn’t mean that you have to, you could make a baguette, cookies, or throw out the ingredients and let someone else cook for you. Why should having or not having children be any more complicated?

Because it is a life, you say, a precious amazing, horrible yet beautiful life.

I agree, life is precious and a horrifying, scary, bewildering, awesome, beautiful experience but before you jump ship and dive into full blown baby fever, do me a favor.

Do the entire human race a favor. Work customer service for at least 1 year, because it’s true, nothing will make you hate or love humanity more than working customer service.

So, go do it, for at least one year, bonus points if you make 1+ years in a call center.

*Fist bump to my fellow call center customer service friends*

A great thing to do while you’re in the bottleneck, you might as well have some companions. Sometimes the people who will mentor you most, you will never even actually meet. Think about it, the gifts of an actor, writer, singer, movie producer, costume designer, poet, chef are sometimes offered to you by those in your close knit circle but sometimes you let other artists into your internal tribe. In this day and age, you can instantly grow that tribe via technology.

So read blogs, read articles, opinion pieces, know that no opinion is superior or inferior, just different data and different conclusions and the revision process is constant for all of us, “this may or may not be true, but it’s todays working theory”  has always been one of my favorite quotes and this shifting nature to things is okay and beautiful.

Read more books, join online discussion forums (facebook has a ton!)for and by childfree authors about their experiences, no, their story wont perfectly mirror yours or tell you what to do, but see what resonates or doesn’t about their experiences and insights and trust your internal guidance that has guided you since you were a kid. Again:

Biology isn’t destiny, just because you have all the ingredients to make a cake doesn’t mean that you have to, you could make a baguette, cookies, or throw out the ingredients and let someone else cook for you. Why should having or not having children be any more complicated?

Eventually when you can get some emotional distance from this whole thing,  as was my experience, you may also experience: Grief/Relief (in my opinion no matter what choice you make you will have this ambivalence. )

Ambivalence is a part of the human condition, unless you’re Hitler and you can only see the world in terms of black and white. However, #sorrynotsorryHitler The world isn’t just black and white or even the broad spectrum of gray, color, anyone? I love color, I put that $*** everywhere.

No matter what choice you make, you can only make one and at the end of the day, even if you find you’re not pulled to have bio kids, you can nurture yourself and other people’s(fur and not as furry) children. These are all good choices that add love into our shared world and yay, love!


But seriously, work customer service if you get the chance, and see for yourself just how horrible/beautiful humanity is and remember, biology isn’t destiny, even your family of origin patterns aren’t destiny, little teeny tiny, miniscule choices all add up to the kaleidoscopically beautiful expression of the universe that is manifesting itself as you for a little while (in the scope of the eye of eternity.)


No matter what choice you make about anything, do it with love, grace and a sense of humor. May you radiate resplendently or as Rihanna says:

Grace & Peace

Wherever your paths do take you,


Songbird Sparkle (April Barnhart MDiv)



(photo credit: 

The line between light and shadow, drenched and bone dry

Indiscernable to untrained eye.
Do you know who you want to be before you die?
Will you be the one to will it or will it be granted by the great mandala in the sky?
Do you ever wonder why,
Angels don’t deserve to die
Yet they do
No amount of wishing will make it un-true.
Do you ever observe
the simultaneous thawing of yourself and mother earth?
Do you ever wonder
Softer than feather harder than thunder
Softer than mud, clearer than dirt
Why does it hurt?
When you’re never as close or far away from home as your own heart.
Hard to tell truth from deception at the inception.

Merry we meet and merry we meet
Your loss for certain, disintegrating chains at my feet
All I can do is love and lose you
And I intend to
until the earth




Molecule by molecule
Breath by breath
Cyclical sunrise and sunset
Lemon raspberry gold
Stories still yet untold
Waiting to emerge
From the oceans to the bones
Hollow, un-relentant messengers, of light and shadow.

The Artist Emerges

(Photo credit:



I know all too well, what lies behind me.

I don’t know what lies ahead, but I pray north stars will guide me.

Angel and honey’ed hummingbird wings,

Forget those things,

You thought you’d bring.

All you can take,

is all you can make,

and you will make it, further than your wildest dreams.

It will be over in a blink,

So make it lovely,

But mostly,

Make it yours.


Fly Over State of Mind

I used to always wish I lived in a warmer climate. I didn’t know until 2 years ago that I live in, what is often rudely referred to as a “fly over state.” Apparently the Midwest and Iowa in particular, just doesn’t cut the mustard. Do you know what though? I’m proud to call the Midwest region of the United States my home, I am even proud to be born and raised in the Midwest, also proud to be an Iowa resident. In LA and Florida, they may have golden sunshine and year round pools and amusement parks, which admittedly is pretty great too but they don’t have what we have.


Ha, kidding, just seeing if you were paying attention.

I’m talking about 4 seasons y’all, all Vivaldi like.

You don’t  have to be from Iowa to know what I’m talking about. You just have to be from somewhere where it’s not unheard of to have blistering hot humid summer days that you think will never ever end. Then before you know it, you need a jacket and it’s time to go apple picking or to the pumpkin patch and don’t you dare pass up the complimentary hay rack ride.

Soon enough you’ll be walking through the freshly fallen snow, on the way to cut down your own Christmas tree on a family farm that gives you fresh hot cocoa and lets you play with adorable soft, very warm, compared to your near frostbitten digits, rabbits. They will be adorable. You will feed them carrots. You will have all the joys of rabbit ownership for 20-30 minutes, until the next family arrives and their kids make pitiful faces until you finally, full of guilt, hand over the rabbits you have so grown to love. Nevermind that you are in your late 20’s early 30’s now, it’s true it is “their turn.”

You won’t even get mad about handing them over but you will debate getting one of those adorable rabbits as a pet, until you google their needs and find out you are not near as ready for rabbit parenthood as you thought you were.

Somewhere past that point, winter will really arrive and vomit frigidly and violently, leaving glittery hills, 2+ feet long icicles hanging off of rooftops and slick scary black ice. Just when you think you can’t stand to layer up for the 73rd+ day, for just one day, it will turn 30 maybe even an entire 40 degrees outside, being from the Midwest you might even be inclined to wear shorts. People from Florida won’t even go swimming in 70 degree weather and if you know a Floridian transplant, they will mock you for so exuberantly welcoming 30 degree weather. Let them mock you, you know the value of the warmth after surviving all those negative temperatures.

Soon enough, something almost magical happens, just when you think winter will never end, it does, it just ends. Snow melts, robins return and flowers bloom. Ironically, those little white bell like flowers called ‘snowdrops’ signify the end of winter’s reign. Spring is again crowned the royalty of the land.

So now, what do you do? Begin the whole crazy cycle again. End. Begin. End. Begin. Death. Life. Death. Life.

I used to always wish I was from somewhere else, anywhere else, anywhere other than the Midwest, the ‘fly over states.’ Now, however, I see how every rain drop, every snowflake, every ray of sun, has equipped me to face the series of never-ending beginnings and endings in my life. I am so proud to call this my home. I am so humble to have had Mother Nature herself as my greatest teacher.